Gathering of the Tribes 2024
A Series of Fortunately Synchronistic Events
by SynTony Robbins, Staff Gonzo Journalist at The Syntony Times
The Following is both true and not true, a superposition of hyperstitious science faction.
“Alarm Clocks”
Part IV
"Awakening is just advanced apathy with better marketing" - Unnamed cynic
As I sat in a cramped Lisbon Airbnb, curiously listening to three self-proclaimed "New Earth motherfuckers" on their way to the Gathering of Tribes, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of cosmic irony. Here I was, tasked with documenting the birth of a new paradigm, and my subjects were three sleep-deprived, possibly hungover dudes filming themselves on a smartphone while trying to order an Uber.
Meet our intrepid heroes:
Dart: The self-styled "propheteer" with a penchant for existential musings and a newfound appreciation for impromptu prayer sessions with strangers. His energy levels fluctuate more than crypto markets, but when he's on, he's a force of nature.
Fannick: The pragmatic dreamer, always looking for ways to monetize enlightenment while maintaining a veneer of altruism. He's the one who remembers to charge the phones and book the Airbnbs.
Sanders: The reluctant documentarian, perpetually torn between capturing the moment and living it. He's got the gear but lacks the patience for long-form storytelling.
As I pieced together their rambling conversation, a picture emerged of three men on the edge of... something. Breakthrough or breakdown, it was hard to tell. They were headed to the Gathering of Tribes in Portugal, a "new kind of event designed for a new era," where impact entrepreneurs, change-makers, and self-proclaimed visionaries would converge to "catalyse the emergence of a regenerative ecosystem of collaboration."
Their journey had begun in Porto, where Dart had a divine encounter with a Jesus-loving Uber driver, setting the tone for what promised to be a week of synchronicities, revelations, and possibly a few regrettable decisions.
"I felt touched by God," Dart had proclaimed, his voice a mix of awe and sleep deprivation.
"So, would you consider yourself a Hare Krishna now?" Sanders had quipped, his sarcasm barely masking a genuine curiosity.
"I already was, but..." Dart had trailed off, lost in contemplation or perhaps just really needing a nap.
As they made their way to the beach, ostensibly to "wave to the sea" and hope that "the tides are gonna inspire us to find more answers on our awakening journey," I couldn't help but think of the last time I'd followed a group of visionaries to a gathering. The infamous Fyre Festival came to mind, but I quickly pushed the thought away. This was different. This was Portugal, land of sardines and spiritual awakening.
Their conversation meandered like a stoned philosophy major, touching on everything from the non-existence of attention spans to the merits of keeping one's first "awakened shit" as a souvenir. It was a beautiful mess of ideas, each more outrageous than the last, yet tinged with a desperate hope that somewhere in this chaos, a new world was being born.
"We should start to sell alarm clocks," Sanders had suggested, half-joking. "So that people wake up talking about products, and then we sell the toilet paper so that people can take their first awakened shit."
It was absurd, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that in another reality, "Awakened Shit™" was already a best-selling NFT collection.
As I listened to them plan their documentary strategy for the Gathering, I was struck by the earnestness beneath their bravado. These weren't just three guys on a lark; they genuinely believed they were on the cusp of something world-changing.
"This is it. This is life. This is how it's happening," Fannick had said, his voice filled with a conviction that would make televangelists jealous.
And who was I to argue? In a world where reality TV stars become presidents and memes move markets, who's to say that the next great revolution won't be sparked by three guys with a smartphone and a dream?
As I prepared to join them at the Gathering, I couldn't help but think of Bretminster Fullofit and his audacious vision of a "Brazen New World." Would these three amigos be the unlikely heroes of his story? Or were they just another chapter in the long history of well-intentioned fools rushing in where angels fear to tread?
Only time (and possibly a few more "awakened shits") would tell. But one thing was certain: the Gathering of Tribes promised to be a crucible of creativity, collaboration, and quite possibly, chaos. And I, dear readers, will be there to document every beautiful, messy moment of it.
Stay tuned for the next installment, where we'll dive headfirst into the Gathering itself. Will our heroes find the enlightenment they seek? Will they successfully monetize their awakening? And most importantly, will they remember to keep the camera running when the real magic happens?
As Dart would say, "Amen. Hallelujah. Let's get this show on the road to Omega."
This was amazing 🔥🔥